WORLD EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT AIRBAG
It took almost all of the political capital I have to get a transcript of the jury deliberation in the Marth Stewart case. As most of you know, Martha will now be busy making stripes the new black. So I thought it was important to make sure she was tried fair and square by her peers.
Here is an excerpt:
JURY FOREMAN: We have found an inside trader, might we burn her?
PRESS: Burn her! Burn!
JUDGE: How do you know she is an inside trader?
JUROR #2: She looks like one.
JUDGE: Bring her forward.
MARTHA: I'm not an inside trader.
JUDGE: But you are dressed as one.
MARTHA: They dressed me up like this.
PRESS: No, we didn't... no.
MARTHA: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
JUDGE: Well?
JURY FOREMAN: Well, we did do the nose.
JUDGE: The nose?
JURY FOREMAN: And the hat — but she is an inside trader!
PRESS: Burn her! Inside trader! Inside trader! Burn her!
JUDGE: Did you dress her up like this?
PRESS: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
JURY FOREMAN: She has got a wart.
JUDGE: What makes you think she is an inside trader?
JUROR #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
JUDGE: A newt?
JUROR #3: I got better.
JUROR #2: Burn her anyway!
PRESS: Burn! Burn her!
JUDGE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a inside trader.
PRESS: Are there? What are they?
JUDGE: Tell me, what do you do with inside traders?
JUROR #2: Burn!
PRESS: Burn, burn them up!
JUDGE: And what do you burn apart from inside traders?
JURY FOREMAN: More inside traders!
JUROR #2: Wood!
JUDGE: So, why do inside trader's burn?
JUROR #3: Be'cause they're made of wood...?
JUDGE: Good!
PRESS: Oh yeah, yeah...
JUDGE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
JURY FOREMAN: Build a bridge out of her.
JUDGE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
JUROR #2: Oh, yeah.
JUDGE: Does wood sink in water?
JURY FOREMAN: No, no.
JUROR #2: It floats! It floats!
JURY FOREMAN: Throw her into the pond!
PRESS: The pond!
JUDGE: What also floats in water?
JURY FOREMAN: Bread!
JUROR #2: Apples!
JUROR #3: Very small rocks!
JURY FOREMAN: Cider!
JUROR #2: Great gravy!
JURY FOREMAN: Cherries!
JUROR #2: Mud!
JUROR #3: Churches — churches!
JUROR #2: Lead — lead!
District Attorney: A duck.
PRESS: Oooh.
JUDGE: Exactly! So, logically...
JURY FOREMAN: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
JUDGE: And therefore—?
JURY FOREMAN: An inside trader!
PRESS: An inside trader!
Given the circumstances, I'd say she got off pretty good. Now if we could only find that evil, woodsy, floating, duck-like, warlock Steve Case.
Join the fray by reading through and commenting at the end.
Or that evil, Steve Case worshipping Kenny "Boy" Lay.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: This new learning amazes me, your honor. Explain to me again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
JUDGE: Oh, certainly, sir!
LOL! Have fun with that one Greg? I had to laugh a bit when I heard the news. It's so surreal.
I think people don't use the term "Great Gravy" often enough.
Salem is beautiful this time of year.
Did Monty Python help you at all?
To quote, "No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit."
Priceless. Oh well, Martha can "always look on the bright side of life" - I'm sure the prison will be a real fixer-upper.
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Nice. My first international comment spam complete in a foriegn language. I think I'll leave this one as a keepsake.
The real question is how she'll decorate her cell - African, or European?