WORLD EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT AIRBAG
It took almost all of the political capital I have to get a transcript of the jury deliberation in the Marth Stewart case. As most of you know, Martha will now be busy making stripes the new black. So I thought it was important to make sure she was tried fair and square by her peers.
Here is an excerpt:
JURY FOREMAN: We have found an inside trader, might we burn her?
PRESS: Burn her! Burn!
JUDGE: How do you know she is an inside trader?
JUROR #2: She looks like one.
JUDGE: Bring her forward.
MARTHA: I'm not an inside trader.
JUDGE: But you are dressed as one.
MARTHA: They dressed me up like this.
PRESS: No, we didn't... no.
MARTHA: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
JURY FOREMAN: Well, we did do the nose.
JUDGE: The nose?
JURY FOREMAN: And the hat but she is an inside trader!
PRESS: Burn her! Inside trader! Inside trader! Burn her!
JUDGE: Did you dress her up like this?
PRESS: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
JURY FOREMAN: She has got a wart.
JUDGE: What makes you think she is an inside trader?
JUROR #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
JUDGE: A newt?
JUROR #3: I got better.
JUROR #2: Burn her anyway!
PRESS: Burn! Burn her!
JUDGE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a inside trader.
PRESS: Are there? What are they?
JUDGE: Tell me, what do you do with inside traders?
JUROR #2: Burn!
PRESS: Burn, burn them up!
JUDGE: And what do you burn apart from inside traders?
JURY FOREMAN: More inside traders!
JUROR #2: Wood!
JUDGE: So, why do inside trader's burn?
JUROR #3: Be'cause they're made of wood...?
PRESS: Oh yeah, yeah...
JUDGE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
JURY FOREMAN: Build a bridge out of her.
JUDGE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
JUROR #2: Oh, yeah.
JUDGE: Does wood sink in water?
JURY FOREMAN: No, no.
JUROR #2: It floats! It floats!
JURY FOREMAN: Throw her into the pond!
PRESS: The pond!
JUDGE: What also floats in water?
JURY FOREMAN: Bread!
JUROR #2: Apples!
JUROR #3: Very small rocks!
JURY FOREMAN: Cider!
JUROR #2: Great gravy!
JURY FOREMAN: Cherries!
JUROR #2: Mud!
JUROR #3: Churches churches!
JUROR #2: Lead lead!
District Attorney: A duck.
JUDGE: Exactly! So, logically...
JURY FOREMAN: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
JUDGE: And therefore?
JURY FOREMAN: An inside trader!
PRESS: An inside trader!
Given the circumstances, I'd say she got off pretty good. Now if we could only find that evil, woodsy, floating, duck-like, warlock Steve Case.