ACT ONE : BLUE COLLAR EMO TYPE
Trade Gothic: Old bitmap!
Arial: Truetype!
Trade Gothic: Truetype. Sorry. What font lives in that suitcase over there?
Arial: I'm thirty-seven.
Trade Gothic: I-- what?
Arial: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
Trade Gothic: Well, I can't just call you 'Truetype'.
Arial: Well, you could say 'Arial'.
Trade Gothic: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Arial'.
Arial: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Trade Gothic: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old bitmap', but from the behind you looked--
Arial: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Trade Gothic: Well, I am Trade Gothic!
Arial: Oh, Trade Gothic, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
Times New Roman: Arial, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
Trade Gothic: How do you do, good serif? I am Trade Gothic, Multiple Master of the Fonts. Whose suitcase is that?
Times New Roman: Multiple Master of the who?
Trade Gothic: The Fonts.
Times New Roman: Who are the Fonts?
Trade Gothic: Well, we all are. We are all Fonts, and I am your Multiple Master.
Times New Roman: I didn't know we had a Multiple Master. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Arial: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working typefaces--
Times New Roman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Arial: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
Trade Gothic: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that suitcase?
Times New Roman: No one lives there.
Trade Gothic: Then who is your Bold?
Times New Roman: We don't have a Bold.
Trade Gothic: What?
Arial: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of Bold Italics for the week,...
Trade Gothic: Yes.
Arial: ...but all the decisions of that style have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
Trade Gothic: Yes, I see.
Arial: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely font family...
Trade Gothic: Be quiet!
Arial: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
Trade Gothic: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Times New Roman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
Trade Gothic: I am Multiple Master!
Times New Roman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Trade Gothic: You don't vote for typefaces.
Times New Roman: Well, how did you become Trade Gothic, then?
Trade Gothic: Zapfino...
...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Ligature from the bosom of the water signifying by Hoefler & Frere-Jones that I, Trade Gothic, was to carry Linotype Font Explorer.
That is why I am Multiple Master!
Arial: Listen. Strange serifs lying in ponds distributing type management software is no basis for a system of typography. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatical ceremony.
Trade Gothic: Be quiet!
Arial: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a gliph at you!
Trade Gothic: Shut up!
Arial: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was a type collection just because some moistened bink had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Trade Gothic: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Arial: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Trade Gothic: Shut up!
Arial: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being disabled!
Trade Gothic: Bloody True Type!
Arial: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him disabling me? You saw it, didn't you?
Join the fray by reading through and commenting at the end.
Futura turned me into a newt!...I got better.
I need to link to this... it just made my day.
Fonty Python and the Boldy Grail!
Comic Sans: I'm not dead yet... I want to be a logo
Myriad Pro: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Comic Sans: I feel happy. I feel happy
Myriad Pro: (Whacks Comic Sands on the head w/a frying pan)
> Fonty Python and the Boldy Grail!
Nice.
> Comic Sans: I'm not dead yet... I want to be a logo
Very nice!
A play like this would get beat up where I come from.
[As Trade Gothic exits the commune]
Serif 1: How do you know he's a Multiple Master?
Serif 2: He ain't got stretched counters all over 'im.
Tim: There it is!
King Arthur: Where?
Tim: There!
King Arthur: What? Behind the font?
Tim: It *is* the font!
King Arthur: You silly sod!
Tim: What?
King Arthur: You got us all worked up!
Tim: Well, that's no ordinary font.
King Arthur: Ohh.
Tim: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered font you ever set eyes on!
Sir Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that font's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Sir Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: It'll do you up a treat, mate.
Sir Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Sir Robin: You manky Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!
Sir Robin: What's it do? Nibble your bum?
Tim: It's got huge, sharp... er... It can justify about. Look at the bones!
King Arthur: Go on, Bors. Chop its ascender off!
Sir Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One new font comin' right up!
Thanks for this man.
You just turned a really bad Friday into a great one!
I was in a a bad temper because of the imposibility to make a client think correctly, and then I saw your post... and couldn't stop laughing.
My week is complete. I had no idea that the best example of dialogue (trialogue?) in cinema could get any better. Indeed you are powerful as you toy with people's humors. Mine is just fine, now and I thank you.
Dude! Thatīs just ingenious. The whole office here was laughing! Where do you got this ideas from?