by Mohammed al-Sahhaf, Information Minister of Iraq
1. Kobe Bryant isn't that great. Okay so he makes a basket now and then but that doesn't make him the next Jumpman 23. Our Glorious leader loves Shaq. Many times he says, "hey Sahhaf, don't piss me off or I will Shaq Iraq Attaq you on the noodle."
2. Sadam Hussein is very much alive. In fact we are having a nice brunch together later this morning. I hope they have eggs benedict! His Holiness, The Lord of the Sand, usually has half a grapefruit, tomatoe juice, and a bowl of Total because you know it takes 4 bowls of Raisin Bran to equal just one bowl of Total.
3. The Berlin Wall was never destroyed. It is still the perfect model of how to keep a population contained, happy, and wearing the latest, fashionable grays. In fact I have a trip booked latter this month to East Germany to meet my buddy Gerhard Schroder.
4. Bill Clinton never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinski. That said, His Glorious Asshattedness ask me to personally extend an invitation to Monica to come to Iraq. Sadam has a lot of "hallways" in his many palaces that he would like to show her.
5. The moon landing never happened. Come on Infidels! I could have shot better film in my back yard with all the craters from Desert Storm. Who are you kidding?
6. Iraq does not have chemical weapons. On the other hand, we have tons and tons of milk being produced from our milk factories. Got milk?
7. Peter Arnett is a fabulous reporter but wouldn't he serve the media world better as the next lead actor in a Frankenstein movie? Many times Sadam has drawn neck bolts on the television screen when Arnett is on TV. He gets the whole bunker in tears!
8. Iraq has never, and will never hide munitions in hospitals. However, we do have "death aiding" equipment set up as directed by our expert medical consultant, Jack Kevorkian.
9. I don't care what you say, Jar Jar Binks is the bomb! That guy is so funny that one time in death camp, Sadam had Courvoisier comes out of his nose he was laughing so hard!
10. The United States and British forces are not even 100 miles within Iraq. They are not in any place, they are on the move, everywhere. They are a snake moving in the desert. They hold no place in Iraq.
Join the fray by reading through and commenting at the end.
11. It is not mandatory for all adult males to try to look exactly like The Most Glorious Leader, but it is helpful in getting a good job.
It's a good thing the Turks have stayed put on their side of the border or the whole mustache thing could've gotten way out of hand.
Greg, you are so funny and very clever. This is on my "all-time-favorite-Al-Sahaf-greatest-excerpts" list: "I am not talking about the American people and the British people," he said. "I am talking about those mercenaries. ... They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children." It is almost comical how belligerently ridiculous some of his comments are- and then you realize that this guy is for real. And then you actualize how necessary it if for our troops to be in Iraq. All of the well wishers and peace protesters in the world cannot calm the craziness that exists among the current Iraqi power. No rationalizing, negotiating or brokerage can change the reality that there are BAD PEOPLE in this world. Look out Al Sahaf: I had a pencil I would throw it at you.
It kind of makes you wonder if he has a gun pointed at his head off camera. Either that or he's been to the "milk factory" one too many times.
More choice quotes from this story.
Anyone want to start a pool on how long it will be before al-Sahaf says, "they set us up the bomb, all your base are belong to us."
...no comment, only laughter. Very good post Greg. 8^)
No briefing this morning. For some reason the Minister seems to have taken the day off.