1. Kobe Bryant isn't that great. Okay so he makes a basket now and then but that doesn't make him the next Jumpman 23. Our Glorious leader loves Shaq. Many times he says, "hey Sahhaf, don't piss me off or I will Shaq Iraq Attaq you on the noodle."
2. Sadam Hussein is very much alive. In fact we are having a nice brunch together later this morning. I hope they have eggs benedict! His Holiness, The Lord of the Sand, usually has half a grapefruit, tomatoe juice, and a bowl of Total because you know it takes 4 bowls of Raisin Bran to equal just one bowl of Total.
3. The Berlin Wall was never destroyed. It is still the perfect model of how to keep a population contained, happy, and wearing the latest, fashionable grays. In fact I have a trip booked latter this month to East Germany to meet my buddy Gerhard Schroder.
4. Bill Clinton never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinski. That said, His Glorious Asshattedness ask me to personally extend an invitation to Monica to come to Iraq. Sadam has a lot of "hallways" in his many palaces that he would like to show her.
5. The moon landing never happened. Come on Infidels! I could have shot better film in my back yard with all the craters from Desert Storm. Who are you kidding?
6. Iraq does not have chemical weapons. On the other hand, we have tons and tons of milk being produced from our milk factories. Got milk?
7. Peter Arnett is a fabulous reporter but wouldn't he serve the media world better as the next lead actor in a Frankenstein movie? Many times Sadam has drawn neck bolts on the television screen when Arnett is on TV. He gets the whole bunker in tears!
8. Iraq has never, and will never hide munitions in hospitals. However, we do have "death aiding" equipment set up as directed by our expert medical consultant, Jack Kevorkian.
9. I don't care what you say, Jar Jar Binks is the bomb! That guy is so funny that one time in death camp, Sadam had Courvoisier comes out of his nose he was laughing so hard!
10. The United States and British forces are not even 100 miles within Iraq. They are not in any place, they are on the move, everywhere. They are a snake moving in the desert. They hold no place in Iraq.