The State of California Department of Motor Vehicles was kind enough to send me a (warning) care letter. They are worried that my driving skills or maybe habits could ultimately lead to my death. So well written is this pulp-based, Highway Runs Red intervention that I just had to share it, get it out in the open. While I think the intentions are good it's hard to feel any real sincerity through the prose set in all-caps. I feel like I just got a letter from WOPR, who apparently was put to work in the DMV after it was obvious a sequel to War Games was out of question.
Here for you are the contents of said letter. So as to preserve the feeling of the original document I have kept the words of WOPR in uppercase and included my response.
Um, what happens if you break traffic law in California but don't live here? Is the letter addressed To Whom Drove In Our State or Dear Fellow Citizen of the Republic or maybe it's a simple Dear Other.
Notice that I may not be at risk to cause another traffic conviction but my next infringement is going to be not one but many, plural, crashes. I'd like to know if my next incident will be a multi-car collision or an all day rampage where-in I smash into vehicles throughout the day. I'm sure they have statistics on and I'm surprised they don't provide more insight.
Read: You. Are. Going To. Diiieee. Notice there is not one mention of how they want to help me avoid this consequence, just that they want to help, how almost-Samaritan. At least throw in a coupon for the Betty Ford clinic or a (hint, hint) bus pass.
You may look in the mirror and think you are Michael Knight but really you are Ricky Bobby while most of California drives like Hoke Colburn.
Good, caring people who have momentary lapses in judgement, while thinking they are safe drivers, are really loaded guns of death.
Dammit, I've said it once, I'll say it again. I avoid traffic convictions, I don't want anything to do with them, but they keep finding me. And just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in!
Not if I can get to Mexico first Roscoe! At 140 MPH I can be there in one hour, yeeehooo!
Are they serious? Dude, I'm not about to bend to the will of the man, man! Like the greeting says I'm a California driver, I'm not responsible for my actions, everyone else is. If I get into another incident it's clearly going to be the fault of other drivers, Volkswagen, CalTrans, Goodyear, the weather, Starbucks, Motorola, Reef, FOX News, President Bush (all of whom have either made products that do not respond like they are advertised to be or have emotionally upset me so as to cause me to drive dangerously, I had a happy childhood so I know it's not going to be my parents fault).
Read: If you continue working on the side of evil many, many people are going to diiieee... but if you believe in yourself then look in a mirror and say, "I deserve good things, I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with."
I think Aunty Entity sang it best: "We don't need another hero. We don't need to know the way home. All we want is life beyond the thunderdome."
Join the fray by reading through and commenting at the end.
Maybe if you took that 50-gallon drum of heroin out of your trunk, you wouldn't feel so "pressed for time" on the highway.
I'm just sayin'.
"WE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU MAY BELIEVE YOU ARE A GOOD DRIVER, AND YET YOUR DRIVING RECORD IS MUCH WORSE THAN THE AVERAGE CALIFORNIA DRIVER."???
Haha. Wow, how school marmy - "THE FISRT STEP IS TO ADMIT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM." What the heck did you do Greg? Drive though a kindergarten playground during recess?
This seems like great fodder for your presentation on "Writing, Better" at SXSWi. Can't wait to see it.
What I want to know is why they asked the Indian guy who works at the counter and barely speaks English to write the "bad driver" letter.
"In effort to urge you to drive safer, we are offering you a choice. You can choose to prevent further action from DMV by avoiding additional traffic convictions and by not causing any crashes."
I wonder if Wisconsin has a program like this, because I'd like to sign up. And then after the 2-hour car chase when my Saab runs out of gas or explodes, I'll just be like "OK, check you guys later. I'm on the NO CONVICTIONS plan Suckahs!"
The letter implies that you are making a conscious effort to "cause crashes" and "continue your unsafe driving." Before I'm even done with the letter, it feels like they've given up on me and aren't even lifting a finger so as to attempt to stop my "unsafe driving."
It's like saying, "Change (though you probably won't want to, and probably never will, but it's really up to you... maybe you'll get a few creepy letters from us, but there really isn't anything stopping you from continuing your bad driving and crashing into other vehicles, so go right ahead if you so desire) or Die."
In effort to urge you to drive safer, we are offering you a choice. You can choose to prevent further action from DMV by avoiding additional traffic convictions and by not causing any crashes.
Ohhhhh. So, the key to drive safer is to avoid accidents? See, I had it all backwards... silly me.
"And just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in"
Please tell me you were saying these lines in the best Al Pacino impersonation you can come up with.
Don't be so judgemental, Ethan. Just 'cause you drive your van into brick buildings...
What the heck did you do Greg? Drive though a kindergarten playground during recess?
I was sitting at an off ramp about to make a right turn and noticed that traffic was backed up on the side street due to construction. Pressed for time (due to the 50-gallon drum of heroin in my trunk, the "distributor" needed it bad) I turned left into the middle lane of the off ramp (making sure I had no traffic behind me or to the left) and drove across the intersection (the light was green) and onto the on ramp. Not sooner had cleared the intersection a Newport Beach cop (they are the worst in the OC) nailed me for making an illegal lane change.
"...nailed me for making an illegal lane change"
And THAT makes you MUCH WORSE than the average CA driver??? I've driven in L.A. That's impossible. Your tax dollars at work! ;)
I'm curious if, despite the poorly written letter and humorous post about it, you're actually thinking about driving more safely.
I was one of those drivers everyone else hated: I kept my car registration up-to-date in another state (I had the good fortune of being separated, with my soon-to-be-ex living with her parents in Minnesota.) LA cops rarely pull over tourists, even when they do something stupid.
That out-of-state plate worked wonders. But be careful, 'cause you get screwed when they finally do manage to pull you over!
Greg, I think it helps if you read the letter as though Arnie were dictating it to his secretary. You know the man is prone to hyperbole...
You know, that letter had SkyNet written all over it. Maybe that's how it all begins (or ends): SkyNet gets ticked off by one too many speeding drivers (I'm looking at you Greg), takes over NORAD, and the next thing you know, it's 2029 and we're fighting shiny, chrome machines (where the hell did SkyNet find so much chrome? And how does it keep them so shiny?).
If that happens, I'm finding myself a time machine back to today, and I'm kicking your ass.
Sincerely,
A friend
On a sad note, a sequel to WarGames is already underway, so looks like WOPR will be coming out of retirement again. Sigh.
Yeah, Ryan? Well, if your mom had stayed in her seat...
Oh, SNAP.
"We understand that you may believe you are a good driver, and yet your driving record is much worse than the average California driver."
How dare they impose their beliefs on your beliefs? Isn't this California? Classic.
And what else Greg -- did you get 3-4 citations for that one incident? You don't get such a letter for one infraction, but for a series. C'mon, fess up, we want to hear the full record of your lawlessness.
"My name is Greg, and I'm a sucky driver."
"Hello, Greg."
Years ago in Canada (where I still drive and live and what not) I had just over 30 speeding tickets one year, and then another 30 or so speeding tickets the next year. I had a sweet 1967 Ford truck, all rebuilt with chrome and crushed velvet, and an engine that went like a raped ape. But I digress.
Each year I had my licence suspended for one month, and of course the annual cost of my driver's licence was about $1,500. It took a few years to go back down to the normal annual fee. Your letter seems pretty harsh for one traffic conviction. I had over 30 before they took my licence away, and even then it was only for a month.
Canada rules! :)
You need multiple convictions/citations and a combination of some especially reckless manuveurs to get yourself suspended in California. I had a college friend who had a talent for bad driving and very fast driving and she accumulated 6 citations before getting suspended I think. But congrats Greg, seems like you're well on your way. Thanks for lowering the insurance rates for the rest of us — if you think the civil penalties are harsh wait until you get that insurance bill.
You need multiple convictions/citations and a combination of some especially reckless manuveurs to get yourself suspended in California.
Moonlighting as traffic cop now, eh?
I had a college friend who...accumulated 6 citations before getting suspended I think.
Good to know. To date I have had two citations and two points taken away from my license (I opted not to go to traffic school) so I've got some traffic violation space before needing alternative transportation. Maybe I'll go hit a family of three on the way home, just to live on the edge.
Come to DC! As long as you don't hit anyone or drink half of a beer, you can do as you please.
"Drivers with crashes and traffic convictions on their records are at a greater risk of those causing future crashes."
That's not even grammatical.
Perhaps the letter should have read:
"We think you're turning Japanese, we think you're turning Japanese, we really think so."
That's not even grammatical.
Well WOPR was designed to play test thermonuclear war so it's understandable that it's not so good with the Engilsh.