Over the last two weeks I have had a hell of a time with my home network. It began with fading wireless signals (which has now been fixed) to the more recent problem of not being able to browse the web. I tried this and that, power cycled a million times, check settings, kicked the tires, but nothing seemed to correct the problem.

Exhausting all other options, I called tech support at Cox Communications. I think the first person I talked to suffered from a brain stroke after retelling my problem. He literally became silent and had to be interrogated for more information. Maybe his online girlfriend just broke up with him at the same time of my call, but that was still weird.

My second call resulted in finding no solutions from their 'database', which is really the FAQ section of the Cox website. A on-site visit was suggested, I accepted. And two hours later I watched the white van pull up. Cables where checked, routers unplugged, websites were accessed. I learned about how many Ohms the signal to the cable modem should be along with all the other text book crap that's on the FAQ section of the Cox high-speed Internet service website.

I was told he could help diagnose the cable modem, but alas, despite the huge amount of tools and the large tricorder he could do nothing but stare at the device and watch the lights blink. At this point I became known as "chief" and he didn't know "what else to tell me".

At that point, I should have sent him packing. But feeling high and mighty with my new found title, I commanded Dances with Ohms to fulfill his duties and take a look at the cable outside. No clue if it would help or that I was about to pay the ultimate sacrifice for my actions.

A little over a year ago, when I had this installed, a contractor came to the house. He didn't have nearly the tools and gizmos this official guy did but he was able to install the service just fine. Days passed and by coincidence the wife and I decided to purchase a new television as the old one seemed to be going the way of the Dodo. When I started programming the new TV, I noticed it was finding more channels than had previously been available. It was a media miracle right in my own living room — we had been given the gift of free cable. And I didn't even have to ask or palm the guy a fifty for it.

Back to the present, Dances with Ohms opened some box on the side of my home. Stared at it for a second and looked back at me. "Chief, I've got good news and bad news," he said. I thought, what you're going to force my people to live in Santa Ana? "The good news is that you have some very old cable here which I'm going to replace and that should improve things, the bad news is you're going to loose your free cable."

A wind flute played.

My sacrifice would have been worth it if complete service had been restored but once again the white man has come to my home with promises only to lie and take something away. Damn the white cable man! Take away Futurama, Keen Eddie, and Turner Classic Movies, if you must, I just want to browse the web.