Since late January I have been enrolled in a food-management program to shed the weight of so many carefree and reckless years (o iced latte, my old friend, you have been both my sin and my salvation). Today I am a few pounds below what they call "mid-weight" and I'm past the time of needing a new belt.
At first this regime wasn't easy because after ten years I have very much grown custom to my wife's five-star cuisine. She could totally kick Wolfgang Puck's ass, while reducing a glaze, and then use it to cut Emeril in two (Bam that you cajun Betty Crocker) while grilling salmon to perfection.
The idea of eating out of a box was akin to taking a month's vacation to Gary, Indiana but it's working so I can't really complain. It also helps that they conditioned me so I can not say the word potato without having bad flashbacks, loosing bladder control, and yelling "It puts the potato in the bucket" over and over again until the wife utters the safety word.
There have been a few good laughs along the way. Like most food programs I am regimented to a certain caloric intake per day (about a third of what I was eating apparently). During the first weekly call from the Food SS (A person who calls each week and asks a series of questions to make sure you haven't snuck a pound-cake in-between salads) asked if I had any questions. I did. "How do I buy more calories?" The counselor cleared his throat, "uh, Mr. Storey, uh, I thought the plan was to...loose wei... uh, reduce the amount of calories." I had a hard time not choking on my noodles laid to rest in tomato sauce.
Last weeks call has been the best so far. "How many calories are there in cocaine," I asked, "because I keep telling my wife that she needs to cut down on Jello servings for every hit she takes, but she says un-uh." This was followed by, quite possibly, the longest intentional pause in telephony history. Eventually I laughed and so did the counselor but with that kind of nervous chuckle that told me he had no idea if I was joking or not — mission accomplished.
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Are you also exercising, along with your caloric reduction? I am sure you've heard this before, but the weight isn't going to stay off if you don't keep up your metabolic rate (your body will learn to live with less food as the "norm", and store it for the future as fat)
Greg - Have you ever seen a overweight cocaine junkie? Must be something to it.
Next time, ask if it would be okay to eat a cake... as long as that's the only thing you eat all day and it stays within your calorie limit. If so, then sign me up for that diet too :)
Greg, remember, you can eat whatever you want as long as you immediately force yourself to throw it up into the toilet afterwards. That's how the beautiful people do it, so don't feel like your hands are tied here.
How many calories are there in gristle?
Congrats on getting it down. My wife and I just started jogging. It's good so far, but I still prefer recreational napping.
My friend, you need another trip to Chicago, pronto.
Cocaine may actually be a great calorie killer because of the extremely high adrenaline levels produced when in the bloodstream. Tell your wife to keep snorting—and to sprinkle some on those Lean Cuisines for you!
I've been doing so much coke in a day but I keep gaining weight. Then somebody told me, it's supposed to be cocaine, not Coca-Cola. Who knew?
Have you ever seen "Sliming Down with Steve" on the Daily Show? Some of Steve Carrell's best work.
The diet that's worked for me in the past is whenever I feel hungry I just bang my head against the nearest wall until I forget the feeling of hunger. This works a few times, then after awhile you just don't experience hunger (or love, happiness, sorrow, etc.) ever again so it's all gravy.
"The idea of eating out of a box was akin to taking a month's vacation to Gary, Indiana"
Ha! Wonderful quote.
I'm currently halfway through my second week of the SouthBeach Diet. My wife wanted me to do it with her and while I usually look at diets as mostly being scams, this one is actually working. I *am* eating better/healthier, so yea, I guess I can't complain.
Now only if we could get American Business to embrace employee health/fitness programs with adequate facilities and times we might be able to break the nasty lifestyle of cubicle dwelling.
Don't drink colas. Folks in the USA drink way too much sugar-laced colas! Walk, then walk, and then walk somemore. Walking fast 5 miles a day will shed the pounds like you wouldn't believe. Drink 6-8 glasses of water per day. It helps to reduce hunger and it actually helps shed weight after a few weeks. Eat way more fruit and veggies than you do now. and Drink expressos neat. no sugar. Cafe Lattes....Fogetabouit!! (ps if you have a bike---use it)
You so funny!
I think it's always awesome to challenge your old patterns that don't work for you anymore. Good luck!
To heck with the calorie limit - it doesnt matter as long as they're the right kind of calories, man. Just steer clear of anything with: 1)high fructose or any fructose corn syrup and 2)any type of hydrogented oils. Then, eat a bunch of whole grains and lean proteins and you're money. Good luck.
"It puts the potato in the bucket"
That must be from "Silence of the Yams" .
Have you ever seen a overweight cocaine junkie? Must be something to it.
Yeah because they don't have any money for food. It's all spent on the drug habit!
My friend, you need another trip to Chicago, pronto.
You said it. Portillos is opening in Buena Park so I can get a little bit of Chitown once and a while.
I *am* eating better/healthier, so yea, I guess I can't complain.
In about a month the boxed food will be replaced by real meals again, though portions and types will be altered. This whole process isn't so much of a diet as it is a lifestyle change.
That must be from "Silence of the Yams" .
Ha! Good one.
I used to weigh 220 pounds, but then I found myself surrounded by bad food and working a really labor intensive job. I went down to 160, quit, and started sleeping a lot without meaning to. I think I gave myself scurvy due to hating the camp food so much. I started drinking orange juice like water because I was afraid I really did have scurvy, but to this day I can't be totally sure I had scurvy. What a journey. Today I'm a fairly toned 190 pounds and I don't seem to gain fat weight but it's probably because I run a lot and operate heavy machinery. I'll wait until I'm older than 20 or married, to get fat again.
"This was followed by, quite possibly, the longest intentional pause in telephony history. Eventually I laughed and so did the counselor but with that kind of nervous chuckle that told me he had no idea if I was joking or not — mission accomplished."
Evil. Pure evil. That is, however, a great way to get the diet caller person off your back and start bugging the wife about her cocaine habit. You really can't win that way either because then you'll have the wife on your case about why the diet person wants to talk to her about drugs. There's no way out Greg. :)
From what I hear, the meth diet works faster than coke. Again, from I hear.
Here is another weight loss program: The Hacker Geek Diet. There is a sub-strain of hackers who go for the hard stuff and substitute coffee or espresso for their Mountain Dew Code Red. When taken in large enough quantities, the caffeine can reduce your appetite, up your heart rate, and give you super-human finger twitch abilities. The trick: don't put crap in the coffee. Drink it straight black and by the pot (you'll soon see how stupid it is for Starbucks to name individual cup sizes when you measure by the pot). Or drink straight espresso if you're a Starbucks fanboi. When your wife puts a plate of roast duck (with the mango sauce) in front of you you'll just need to kindly decline and ask her to brew another pot of Hi-Test coffee for your dinner.
Drink it straight black and by the pot...
Dave, if you really want to tweak the clock speed on your heart, try French Pressing coffee. The trick is to immediately plunge once you've filled the press with water as it will result nothing but watered caffeine. Learned that from a former roast master at Starbucks.
if you really want to tweak the clock speed on your heart, try French Pressing coffee.
I had a pod mate whole use to do this with Turkish Coffee. esspresso is like hot cocoa compared to Turkish coffee from a french press drank by the mugful!
My wife tried to get me to do weight watchers, and told me I have 28 points a day...I had to record my points for a normal day to see where I needed to cut back. My total was 71 points in a normal day. Weight Watchers and I are not friends.
Heroin is the best weight loss method. You can go down to 100 pounds in no time. Recommended.