NOTES FROM THE FIRST MEETING, DECEMBER 12, 2004.
TWENTY-TWO PERSONS IN ATTENDANCE — NEEDED MORE COOKIES.
Welcome to the Airbag Asshat Support Group, a twelve step program for becoming a better commenter. This is a new beginning for some of you and an ongoing process for others. Before we get started ... has everyone had some cookies and punch? Good. Let's roll.
I understand that being called an 'asshat' can hurt sometimes. Maybe not as much as being called a mouth-breather, nimrod or Ashlee Simpson — but it hurts none-the-less. You know, sometimes words can hurt us more than things like on-coming traffic or being told, "let's just be friends" by the girl you have been semi-stalking/befriending since puberty. Still the pain is there, it's real and you need to find a way to deal with it but don't confuse this with a huggy-lovey group. If you begin to cry you need to leave.
Let's talk about why you're here.
It's likely that steps have been taken to try and ban you from ever commenting on Airbag again. For some of you this is confusing because according to your parents you've always been the perfect little angel and it's always the outside world that is the problem. So when you run off at the mouth like it's your first day with Terets Syndrome, well that can be a problem, Gabriel. A lot of you young or amateur writers of the group often confuse using the F-word as adding a layer a sophisticated raw energy to your comment. This might work at the bowling alley on Tuesday nights but it's generally not considered good form. Airbag is not your El Camino.
Oh, uh before I continue, if you're here for the Mantra Prayers for Another Textism Update session, that's down the hall. Ok, yes, just out the door — oh yes, Go Dean! — and uh to your left. Ok, bye-bye.
Now looking to my left, I'll talk to those of you who consider Airbag comments to be public domain, a place where freedom of speech is guaranteed in granite. I'm not sure where this idea came from but I can assure you that this is not the case. Perhaps after Airbag receives a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts I'll consider a new liberal commenting policy, but until then I'm the captain and this is my ride.
Should you ever be allowed to comment on Airbag again there are a few ground rules to help you determine what is appropriate. If the comment you are about to write would make an equally good graffiti statement on an airport bathroom stall, you can bet your ass that it's not going to fly on Airbag. Likewise if all you're going to do is bitch and moan while trying to make an 'educated' statement about the authors failed attempt to use English, that's not going to help your amnesty case either. Not that I don't appreciate a good zinger, as long as it's well constructed and not something I'm likely to hear repeated by an employee of Taco Bell. Wit is key. You can look up the word 'wit' in a dictionary when you get home.
Lastly, for the people gathered in the back — yes, hello! — let's talk about anonymity. There are plenty of good reasons for being anonymous in certain circumstances. For instance when you're trying to buy pot, dating the 'ugly girl' or waiting for the band camp bus in the parking lot of Walmart. All very socially awkward moments that are hard to own up too, well the first one is really about breaking the law, anyway, the point is there is a time and place for not telling people who you are. Leaving a comment on Airbag is not one of them. Look, nobody can see you through a website. We can't see that you really do breathe through your mouth, nor can we see that you constantly fidget with your short-buss Protec helmet. It's perfectly ok to be you, by you. Come out of that cocoon and blossom into a confident, brilliant butterfly. Go. Fly. Be free of the emotional baggage you are obviously carrying around.
Wow, so I guess we're out of time. Let's recap. Today we talked about the following:
1. How using so called grown-up language doesn't make you sound cool or brilliant. It makes you sound like a person who just got out of a cell block 'D' prison relationship. Airbag is not a Chevy car/truck hybrid that you can listen to 8-track tapes and talk like Jason Mewes.
2. Freedom of Speech is guaranteed by the Bill of Rights in the United States of America. Airbag is not the United States of America. It is a personal website solely owned by a private individual who can damn well do what he pleases with your comment — just as you can do the same on your own website. Don't have one? Get one.
3. The 'I'm not telling you who I am' routine worked really well in the sixth grade when you wanted to tell Mara Colberg that, oh-my-gosh, you liked her and wanted to 'go out', but anonymity doesn't fly past that stage. If you're taller than 4'9" and/or past the seventh grade then you need to start being comfortable with who you are and realize that you can't go back in the womb and be re-born as David Hassleholf.
Ok people that's all for today. Make sure you learn 'wit' for our next session and we'll start our discussion on sarcasm.
Join the fray by reading through and commenting at the end.
Phew, I'm just glad I got through the session without having to hug someone with man-breasts.
That's not really accurate Greg, you can get arrested now for dissent against Bush.
I am going to use a 3 strikes rule for trolls on my site. After 3 trolls they're gone. If I feel like un-banning their IP after a while, and they troll again, they're banned forever. Para siempre. Part of me feels that's too harsh, and another part says it's not harsh enough.
I'm using a 'if it smells like a troll' rule, which goes something like this: "If you're anywhere near trolllike, annoying, an asshat or hey, if I just happen to not like you; you're out!
I feel all relieved after just reading this little bitching session; it's good to know that morons cling on to others than one self :)
My name is Nick.
I lost my job, my house and my wife because of drugs. Don't do drugs.
Shit wrong meeting!
Ah to be 17 again.
Hi, I'm Tom and I'm a comment-a-holic.
"Hi Tom."
I was doing pretty well, but lately I've been struggling with my comment / asshat problem—really ever since the ugly Yushchenko incident. Sometimes it just gets tough man (sob). I just want to thank Big Red for putting this group together. I love you guys! (blubbering).
Is all of that stuff going to be on the final?
You asked Mara Colberg out? I HAD DIBS! I will never forgive you Greg. I might have to anonymously kick your ass for stealing Mara like that.
And maybe this was me, but it did sound like your tone in this post was very anti-prison cell relationships. Is there something more you'd like to disclose Mr. Storey? I have always found them to be tender and discreet.
Ahhh. A breath of fresh air in the midst of comment-pollution. Thanks, Greg. Here's to the New Year, new rules, and many trackbacks.
My name is Dante. I have not trolled for about 6 months now. I did not lose my wife or housee or job (because I have no wife or job) but I did lose a lot of credibility. I have made ammends with those whom I offended with my trolling. I think...[sob]...I think I just need a hug.
I remember when you liked Mara Colberg in the sixth grade.
Dante... is that you? Welcome back 8 )
You sinner! Hate-infested German-imported nazi suit! Blasphemer! Satan offspring!
It's David Hasselhoff! Get your American way of spelling straight, right-winged nutjob!
(I don't think I'll need that 'sarcasm' session anymove.)
Wit,
a : astuteness of perception or judgment
b : the ability to relate seemingly disparate things so as to illuminate or amuse
c(1): a talent for banter or persiflage
c(2): a witty utterance or exchange
d : clever or apt humor
e : trying to be funny and blatantly failing because the post in itself invited to funny comments, and thus ensures that all of them seem like failed attempts at the same.
Rascism,
a : taking the "wit" out of "wite power".
b : Hah!
What is "wite power"? Is that a German thing?
Hey, did you feel Tyler put his hand on you while standing next to you? I thought I saw him, but his disappeared really quickly, like spliced in porn. I've been looking for him but I haven't been able to find him. Those damn Avery people had his address wrong and I can't find him.
Oh well, hows about a little comment preview, Greg? Reading something twice will make most of us realize that we're stupid. OK, it'll only help some of us, but it's worth it, isn't it?
Oh and Greg, I didn't think I needed to be here. Tyler's taken the class already so I know this because Tyler knows this. Oh well, it really helped me remember it this time.
What about scanning comments? That way you can weed out the inappopriate comments and display the ones that are right on topic. I hate it when people comment to an entry and their words are off topic. There's a time and place for everything. If someone has something to say, they can instant message it, e-mail it or maybe think before they speak it.
Are you from the ALA forums Ray? What other Dante do you know?
I used to be a troll. Then 3 spirits visited me in the night: Chewbacca, the mysterious Apartness, and some other guy. Now I am a changed man and troll-free for at least the better part of a year.
White Power is a southern American thing, like Alabama and those places. It's not German, unless you count Nazi Germany, which doesn't exist anymore.
And shouldn't Ass-hat be hyphenated? Otherwise it could be pronounced 'As-shaht'.
I hate it when people comment to an entry and their words are off topic.
Ah, see I hate it when people make stupid comments, off topic or not. For some reason that's happening more often than not these days — stupid iPod gag.
And shouldn't Ass-hat be hyphenated?
Absolutely not.
So yes...
To whom should I direct my inbred hatred of personal blogs, regardless of the fact that I am therefore a hypocrite because I have a personal blog of my very own?
Maybe people just want their "name" out there by posting stupid, off topic comments. Or turn of commenting all together.
Dante,
Yes. You've some good insight to offer when you're not packin' a six shooter. I always appreciate you're input 8 )
Ray (from ALA)
Hooray! Let's generalize! Oooo... how bout dem politicians all being dumb and greedy. Golly, where will your all knowing finger point next? Stay anonymous and stay home.
It should be pointed out that Jason was replying to *sigh* an anonymous commment from someone either trying to be cute or clever. It was neither, but more importantly it was anonymous.
Not trying to make an "'educated' statement about the author[']s failed attempt to use English", but don't you mean Tourette's Syndrome?
Anonymous is for sissies.
...or for people posting to Blogger blogs who don't have Blogger accounts.
@Ray: "You've some good insight to offer when you're not packin' a six shooter. I always appreciate you're [sic] input 8 )"
That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a while.
On the web, 'Asshat' should be hyphenated. In writing, it should be written asshat but the 'h' should have two dots over it to denote that it is a seperate syllable. Why? To dispell any ambiguity. It could be pronounced 'az-shaht', 'ass'shaht', or 'as-shat'.
@Cristina Marie: A quick Google for 'Dante Evans' would reveal that to be true.
Oh yeah, I also hate it when people double post. Come on! I don't mind a little bit of off-topic, that's why I will require posts to be reasonably on topic. But I do hate posts that are widly off-topic, like this one time when I was in France, and I got stuck at the airport...and Oh...my god there was this one time when I was on the MUNI train and it got stuck 60 feet underneath downtown San Francisco...
I just found out that the 5th result for googling my name is also a page with comment spam, and nasty comment spam too. Not just the regular r0l3x/phentremine stuff.
Andreas, it's called typing with gloves on syndrome.
hey guys, Asshat was funny in like November 2004. Can't you come up with anything new? Mouthbreather is ok. Ashlee Simpson is definetely a keeper though.
Come on Greg, I depend on you and this site for all of my insults, I need some fresh material, otherwise I just look like an asshat.
Smashing idea Michael.
Greg, how's about a nice little write up, from you of course, on the merits of keeping ones insults new and fresh. We would all contribute. The "new and fresh" insults would be peppered here and there throughout airbag for '05. At the end of the year, just in time for Christmas, we could all vote on the bestest use of the most freshest insult.
Top awards would go to the insult/s that didn't involve profanity. This should keep the "nose pickers" at bay.
I really like that one "I am the captain, and this is my ship"
It kinda goes with these other sayings I have come across
"I can walk down the street there and scream at the stop sign all I want, but its still going to say stop"
"Prior preparation prevents piss-poor performance"
Do comments even have a place in blogs at all? The fact that you felt the need to point an entry like this only makes me he may be right... that usually comments only end up as a distraction to the point being made. Not to mention that there are a zillion places for open conversation elsewhere on the web...
Do comments even have a place in blogs at all?
That's a really good question Noah and one that I have thought about a lot in the last six months. Not every thread is going to be good but I think one of the attractions to this site are the comments. I've asked a few long time Airbag readers if I should axe user responses and there feedback is always the same: No.
I think the worst kind of off-topic comments are those that are ads for other websites, or kids trying to get people to get them a free iPod.
Do comments even have a place in blogs at all?
I feel it is the author's decision if she wants comments on her weblog. I put them on mine because I like getting positive feedback (mainly because most of it is creative writing), and I haven't had any problems with comment-spamming asshats.
I do believe that comments should be on blogs, mainly so the author can determine if he needs to change something. Greg, you claim that this is your ship, but if everyone got off, how would you feel? I am not challenging you at all, but with comments, you can see what people like and what they don't like, or just what they have to say about your thoughts. I'm sure it makes you feel good that people post their opinions on your weblog, and just that feeling is worth having asshats post stupid stuff, in my opinion.